41 of Bill Bailey's most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners

Bill Bailey has been delighting audiences with his musical virtuosity, surreal tangents and trademark intelligence for nearly 30 years, both on stage and on screen.

As the comedian continues to tour his latest show, Larks in Transit, across the UK, we've compiled some of his finest jokes and one-liners.

Here are his funniest gags from stand-up and TV appearances (warning - some rude humour below):

"The day after tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life - that way you've always got a couple of days in hand."

"Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'"

"Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door."

"This was my attempt to deter cold callers: 'There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone.'"

"Nostalgia: How long's that been around?"

"How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! No eight!"

"Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to."

(Photo: BBC)

"I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running away. God that was a good game."

"A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?"

"People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'"